Klutzy Love Page 2

  “Aw, you’re a rebel at heart. I like that. You said you did all kinds of crazy things. Tell me about them.”

  “Let me get ready for work and I’ll tell you on the way.”

  “Listen, I get car sick. It’s best if you leave me out of my cage.”

  “I wasn’t born yesterday. Go get any toys you want to play with and I’ll gather your food. We need to get a move on it or I’ll be late.”

  “Geez, I’m a ferret. It’s not like I need to shower or put makeup on, like you do.”

  “Okay Pete, I’ll leave you out of your cage. Are you sure you’re not going to end up squished on my windshield if I stop in a hurry?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine. This is the smallest car I’ve ever been in… what is this thing?”

  “This ‘thing’ is a red-hot, turbo-charged Mini Cooper. I saved two years to get this exact model. Hang on, it’s got zip.”

  “Woo hoo. You’re like a NASCAR driver.”

  “Stop kissing up. Do you want to hear about my young exploits or not?”

  “Yes please, spill your guts to Uncle Petie.”

  “Well, soon after my parents told me to ignore animals speaking to me—like I could help it. I started listening to the neighbor’s conversations through our thin duplex walls. One day I heard them consoling their son Timmy. I put my ear up to a cup and held it to the wall. Timmy was freaking out because his pet hamster Fred had disappeared. I liked Fred; he had a quirky personality and was fun to talk to. I knew I had to find him. My twelve-year-old brain was in overdrive trying to ‘be the hamster.’ You know, get inside its head to know where he might be. My young mind thought: did he have family or friends nearby? If he did, how would I find out—was there a pet directory somewhere?”

  “Sorry to interrupt, but you used to spy on your neighbors using a cup?”

  “Hey, I was a kid. I didn’t know any better and the more my parents told me not to do it, the more I did it.”

  “Face the facts: you were a pervert then and you’re probably still a pervert.”

  “Listen buddy, I saw your beady little eyes peeking around the shower curtain this morning. You’d better watch who you call a pervert. Do you want to hear the rest of my story or not?”

  “Oh please go on. I’m sure it can only get better.”

  “Well, I went next door and asked if I could play with Timmy. They probably thought I’d distract him from his missing hamster. Fred’s cage was kept on his bedroom dresser, near the window. I thought thieves must have reached in and grabbed Fred and were holding him for ransom. And then I wondered what the going rate for a hamster was.”

  “Seriously—a ransom?”

  “Hey, I was twelve years old, could understand animals and had a pretty creative imagination. A ransom seemed logical at the time.”

  “All right, continue on.”

  “After leaving their apartment I wandered around all day in the pouring rain. Then I got a vision of Fred fighting for his life in a storm drain a block from Timmy’s house. My psychic skill had evolved into visions of distressed animals too. I arrived in time to grab the chubby hamster out of the drain. He peered at me through his sweet little eyes and his gratitude was overwhelming. Back then, I didn’t go anywhere without a bag of cheese puffs. I grabbed a couple out of my pocket and fed him. I tucked him under my coat and returned him to Timmy, hoping for a thank you or maybe cookies and milk. He was ecstatic, but his parents weren’t. They said, ‘Gee thanks,’ and shut the door in my face.”

  “You get psychic visions of animals in distress, huh? When I rummage around in your underwear drawer, I’m in heaven, not distress. You shouldn’t be able to detect me right?”

  “That’s gross, and if you keep that up you’ll end up spending the rest of the week at Aunt Sue’s, with her three yappy Pomeranians.”

  “I can’t help it, dogs poke at people’s crotches and ferrets crawl into drawers. Your drawers happen to have soft and silky underwear in them.”

  “I should buy those child protection devices, to keep you out of my stuff.”

  “Like that’ll stop me. Chuckle, chuckle.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Back to my story. I was disappointed I didn’t get a reward for my good deed. That night I put my cup against the wall again and listened. To my complete surprise I heard Timmy’s parents say they had dropped Fred out the window that morning because they couldn’t stand the hamster any longer and were mad I found him. Timmy’s dad said he was going to drive Fred to the next county and drop him off where I wouldn’t be able to find him again.”

  “I take it you didn’t take the news too well.”

  “You got that right. I called my cousin Julia, who recently got her driver’s license. I told her to pick me up at 7:00 a.m., because I figured he’d get rid of Fred before Timmy woke up. We followed him for thirty minutes before he stopped at the City Park. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He pulled over, opened the door, tossed Fred onto the grass, and drove away. Julia quickly pulled over and I went and rescued Fred. I gave him more cheese puffs to calm his nerves and I popped a few in my own mouth for the same reason.”

  “Were you chubby as a kid?”

  “Geez no. Why?”

  “Well, you sure ate a lot of cheese puffs.”

  “I’m lucky. I have an awesome metabolism.”

  “What happened next?”

  “Fred didn’t want to go back to his house and I thought Timmy’s dad would probably flush him down the toilet next and I’d never find him. In the end, I kept Fred for myself—I couldn’t risk his life. We ended up moving out of the duplex and into a house. No more eavesdropping for me. My cousin spread the word that I was great at finding missing pets, but not how I did it. I paid for a two-year business degree at Highline Community College with my earnings. Now I work for Mr. Langfield’s son Ralph, but soon I’m going to start my own pet detective business.”

  “What’s Ralph like?”

  “He’s a boob.”

  “What does he do? Does he make you get him coffee?”

  “No, it’s nothing like that. Mr. Langfield spoiled Ralph rotten and he’s never had to work a day in his life. At the reading of the ‘Will’ Ralph found out the young widow received everything, but Langfield Laboratories. Which meant the widow got the family home and all of Mr. Langfield’s vast fortune. The only thing Ralph received was the business and he had to actively run it to receive a paycheck. I heard through the office grapevine he was ranting and raving to the widow, ‘Give me the money. You weren’t even married to my dad for a full day, you greedy bitch! Everyone knows you married him for his money!’”

  “What did she do, slap him in the face?”

  “No. I guess without even flinching from his nasty words she said, ‘Grow up. And by the way, have all your things removed from my house by 9:00 a.m. Saturday morning.’ “

  “Wow, she’s a tough cookie.”

  “Yeah, and a rich cookie. Mr. Langfield was worth millions.”

  “Did Ralph get his things out of her house?”

  “Of course not. He thought she would let him stay there rent-free for the rest of his life. She called me at work the next day and said, ‘My late husband always said you had great planning skills. Would you be willing to plan Ralph’s moving out party? I’m giving him until noon Saturday to clear his things out; after that it’s all going to the Goodwill.’ I was speechless, which doesn’t happen often.”

  “No wonder he hates you. You helped evict the poor guy from the only home he’s ever known.”

  “He never found out I helped. Besides; you haven’t heard the whole story yet.”

  “Okay, go ahead, homewrecker.”

  “Watch it buddy or you’ll end up homeless too.”

  “Oh,
I’m scared of the big, bad Corny. You better talk faster or we’re going to be late.”

  “She said to use my imagination and to make sure I had a couple of strong backs to help haul away Ralph’s things, in case he didn’t show up on time. Out of optimism on my part, I planned the party to start at 2:00 p.m. to give him plenty of time to show up and get his things moved out. But he never arrived.”

  “What happened to his stuff?”

  “The four guys I hired from my brother’s construction company arrived on time to help with the demolition. Did I say demolition? Oops, I meant moving out party. It didn’t take long before all of Ralph’s belongings were either at the local shelter or the county’s dump.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “I had lots of food and alcohol delivered, but the Chippendale dancers were the real hit of the party. The widow invited ten of her closest girlfriends and they were all super-gorgeous, her friends and the dancers. Then the party began and man-oh-man could those dancer’s shake their booties. A few of the construction workers stayed to party too. I remained sane and sober the whole night and still had a great time.”

  “Sounds like fun.”

  “It was and the widow gave everyone a room to sleep in. That way no one had to drive home.”

  “What did Ralph have to say for himself?”

  “Early the next morning I heard a racket and there was no mistaking Ralph’s voice. I peeked out my bedroom window and saw a couple of weenie Ford pick-up trucks and a couple of wimpy guys like Ralph. It wouldn’t have been good for my relationship with Ralph to be seen there. I got my things and went out the back door. I know it sounds cowardly but I still had to work for Ralph. Besides, as I snuck out the back door I heard him start to cry. It sounded as though there was a special stuffed teddy bear missing; supposedly it was a family heirloom. Then I remembered seeing a couple of the construction guys laughing and tearing the legs off a big, furry-looking thing. It could have been his teddy bear.”

  “That’s sad. First you help kick him out of his family home and then you watch as his only friend is torn to pieces. How can you live with yourself?”

  “You are incredibly melodramatic… “

  “I’m excited to meet this Ralph guy.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  “Corny, I’ve been hiding in your desk drawer for over two hours. When is that idiot going to show up for work? Didn’t you say he had a meeting scheduled for… about an hour ago?” Pete chuckled like a chicken when he was agitated and he was extremely agitated.

  “Ralph knows he has a meeting scheduled, but whether he’ll show up is another matter. He missed three important meetings last week because he was out partying and didn’t want to come into work.”

  “I need to use my litter box, run around a little, have a snack, and then I’ll need water. That should hold me another two hours.”

  “Can you hold it a couple more minutes? If Ralph doesn’t show up soon, I’ll take a break.”

  “Yes, but make it quick, I have an incredibly small bladder.”

  ***

  The elevator door opened and Ralph emerged—two hours late. I stated the obvious, “Hey Ralph, you missed your 8:00 a.m. Board of Directors meeting this morning.”

  “You didn’t tell me I had a meeting scheduled.” Ralph sounded outraged.

  I could argue with him or ignore his selective amnesia. “Ralph, I called and left a phone message at your apartment on Friday.”

  “Well, I didn’t get the message. If you’re going to be my executive assistant you’re going to have to be more on top of things. Speaking of being on top of things… I heard the rumors about you and my dad and I am wondering if we could continue where you two left off? What do you say, Red?”

  “If I was a little bigger I’d throw him off the roof. Are you going to put up with that little shit?” Pete chuckled.

  “Shush… “

  “Ralph, my name is Corny, not Red and I did a lot of things for Mr. Langfield, but never anything like that.”

  “Hey, I was joking.” Ralph shuffled his feet and changed the subject. “Do you think the widow could’ve killed my dad? He never liked heights. Why would he go bungee-jumping?”

  Shocked and not sure how to respond I said, “Ralph, I’m not sure. Go read your mail and then we’ll go over your schedule for the next couple of weeks.”

  Ralph had the attention span of a ten-year-old. Five minutes in his office he walked back out, spun around a couple times and then I heard him mumble, “Where the hell is the mail?”

  Oh no. He couldn’t even turn on a computer.

  “Where’s the mail you’re talking about? I’ve looked everywhere. Do you think an employee walked in and took it? I’m waiting for my first paycheck and if someone took the mail I’ll be furious.”

  “Ralph, first, I am referring to your email and second, since you haven’t worked a full day yet, I’m pretty sure you’re not due for a paycheck.”

  “Well then, call Payroll and see if you can get me an advance on my pay; a couple thousand will do for now.”

  Right then he confirmed my suspicions, that he was a complete idiot. I meant ‘computer illiterate.’ But I made the call anyway.

  “Hi Susan. Ralph wants an advance on his pay. Can you do that?”

  “Sorry Corny, but Mr. Langfield’s Will and Testament stated that Ralph would receive his paychecks like everyone else.”

  “That’s what I thought. Thank you, Susan.”

  “Ralph, Payroll won’t give you an advance on your paycheck. Your dad told them not to.”

  “But I need money now. I won’t be able to pay my rent without it. I should be living at my dad’s house, instead of the bitch.” With his head down he walked into his office. Twenty minutes later the door opened and he said, “I’m going down to the lab to look around.”

  I got a brilliant idea and handed him Mr. Langfield’s old cell phone, “Here, take this. That way I can get ahold of you whenever I need to.” He grabbed it and stared at it as though it was a slimy snake. Geez, had he never used a cell phone before either? “Here’s the Bluetooth headset that goes with it.” The lab forgotten, he went back into his office and shut the door again.

  “Come on Pete. Let’s go up to the roof and you can run around and do your business. Nobody ever goes up there.”

  “I feel much better now. I was thinking how we can have fun with Ralph. You should send an email out on Ralph’s behalf? We can make up a contagious illness or a funny quirk. What do you say, should we punk him?”

  “I need to get back to work. Where do you come up with this stuff anyway?”

  “My regular sitter brings me to her kid’s daycare center and I learn all kinds of things from the kid’s moms. They’re vicious.”

  “What should I write in my first email, on Ralph’s behalf?”

  “Start typing and I’ll help.”

  “Here we go. I’ve addressed the email to the entire staff.

  Hello everyone-

  You might not know this, but today is Ralph’s first day of work—ever. We will need to be patient, helpful, and understanding as he learns his way around Langfield Laboratories. “Ralph’s success is our success,” because if he screws up we won’t have jobs. Please let me know if you see him messing things up and we can help him.

  Thank you,

  Corny Myers

  Executive Assistant to the President

  “That was a good start. Let’s see what they say to that.”

  “Oh my gosh. The emails are coming in fast and funny.”

  “Read them to me.”

  Hey Corny, Where’s Ralph been the last two weeks, Aruba working on his tan? Signed Jack

  Corny, there’s toilet paper hanging from his shoe. Should I tell him? Ha ha! Your pal Sue
>
  Ms. Myers, Tell Ralph to move his car out of the handicap spot or I’ll have his car towed! Building Security

  “Ralph’s opening his door. Hide and stop chuckling. The email was fun; but I need to get him working or nobody will have a job.”

  He didn’t come out. With apprehension, I went into his office. “Ralph, we should go over your schedule for the next week.” He didn’t answer, “Here, sit down and turn on your computer. It’ll be fun… “

  He looked at his desk and said, “I’m going down to the lab to look around. I didn’t do that early liked I’d planned.” I followed him out. He walked out into the lobby and stopped.

  “Ralph, are you okay?”

  “Yes, of course I am.” I guess he didn’t appreciate my concern. He went back into his office, grabbed an object off the desk and walked back out. Oh cripes, he had the Bluetooth headset on backwards; how it stayed on his ear was a mystery to me.

  “Ralph looks proud of himself. You shouldn’t burst his bubble. You probably should mention that he needs to carry his cell phone with him to be able to use it, though. His cell phone is still on his desk. Man, he moves fast when he wants to. Look at him go.”

  “He must still be looking for the mysterious missing mail. Should I tell him his car’s been towed?”

  “Heck no, let him find out for himself; he needs to learn to act like an adult. Hey, the phones are ringing like crazy; do you think it has to do with Ralph?”

  “I hope not.” It was Security again. Caller ID is wonderful.

  “Ms. Myers, what’s hanging from Ralph’s ear? Oh, and I thought you should know our illustrious boss is digging in the dumpster out back.”

  “That’s his Bluetooth. It must’ve slipped. Thank you. I’ll be right down to get Ralph out of the garbage.”

  “What did they say? Your face is paler than usual.”